butterfly book girls, originally uploaded by {studiobeerhorst}-bbmarie.

I am currently experiencing a renewed enthusiasm for painting and drawing. I began painting in when I was a teenager copying pictures out of books and magazines. I turn fifty this month which means I have been making paintings for at least 35 years. When you do something that long you can look back over the ups and downs. The good thing about that back looking view is you can remind yourself if youare presently in a down mode you can rest assured that an “up” is on the way.

I am working on a couple of multifigure paintings these days. The photo accompanying this post is a set up photo I am using as a reference for one of my new paintings. I continue to use my children as models. Frida Khalo used her own face over and over again to create her visionary self portraits that some how were always surprisingly different one from the other. Morandi used the same dozen of humble bottles and jars over and over for years and years. There is something very powerful about returning to the same subject matter or the same figures or the same section of skyline over and over. So much of our experiences in this culture remain surface and unsubstantial. A deep commitment to a subject is a chance to go deeper into meaning. The wonderful thing about reaching a deep place in one particular area is the potential to extrapolate from there to other subjects through organic connections.

Girl with a Red Book framed, originally uploaded by {studiobeerhorst}-bbmarie.

Looking through the pages of this life so filled with dirt and mystery. I can’t help but often feel lost. As I get older I am convinced that the feeling of being lost is something like being out in deep water. I cling to the hope that I don’t need to figure out everything that is going on in my life but simply trust that God is working his loom and I am simply one of the threads being woven into something lovely and useful.

As winter begins to show some signs of letting go and the sun makes another brave appearance I can feel a softening in the soil of my heart. I would love to have a spring of my own where some of what I though for sure was dead began to show signs of life. New songs, sold paintings, laughter, baby bunnies, a love poem, a bird nest that smells like hay and moist soil….

umbrella session, originally uploaded by {studiobeerhorst}-bbmarie.

This photo is of Rain, the youngest of our five daughters. She was excited about her dress and suggested I do a portrait of her. Rain got her name because the the month before she was born it seemed to rain every day. It was in the spring and it seemed like everything was completely soaked with the spring rains. The fact that all children are so very different is great thing because it causes you as a parent to continually be in the process of pondering what may be appropriate for the particular child in question. It keeps everything unpredictable.

Rain is a great playmate for Grace since she is just a year younger. They spend a lot of time creating their own fun with dolls, stuffed animals, blankets for camps and pillows for comfort. There are few things in the world better than listening to little girls bringing dolls to life on a quiet wintery Saturday afternoon. Our oldest two girls Rose and Pearl have already crossed over into young womanhood and their days of whispery make believe voices are long past. Dove at ten years old sea saws back and forth between those two stages. Dove is taken up with cooking and baking these days.

Rain is the only member of the family with blue eyes.

Rain has said that she will become a famous actress and a rock star. We shall see.

city girl with flower vision drawing, originally uploaded by {studiobeerhorst}-bbmarie.

Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. Your not in the drivers seat, I am. Dont run from suffering, embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. (from Matthew 16, The Message Bible)

My life is haunted by this verse. I don’t like suffering and would prefer to never experience any and yet I know in my heart that it are these difficult experiences that I must go through that give my life its real potent color and my heart its tenderness.

Last friday Brenda and I were invited to go out to the movies with a couple of friends in the neighborhood. We were both excited by the prospect of a fun night out with friends. About 15 minutes before we were going to be picked up another neighbor stopped over asking to borrow some silver paint. I went downstairs to look for it and as I was looking through my supplies I slipped and bumped into a water pipe which cracked and began shooting water all over the basement floor. At this moment Brenda was upstairs getting herself beautiful for a rare night out. The crack happened between the main shut off valve and the pipes entrance out of the basement concrete floor. There was no way for me to shut it off and our friends were now at the door to take us to the movies. The whole situation felt really horrible as I watched water take over the basement floor.

We were able to tie off the pipe and slow the leak enough so that the basement drain kept the water from taking over the basement. We still went to the movies after a call to Goodwin Plumbing. We had a nice night out and the next morning we paid the plumber $394 after he had made everything dry, new and shiny again. The next night Saturday the Rick Beerhorst Band played a show at the DAAC with Seth and The Illogical Spoon and we had so many people come out we reached capacity and had to turn people away at the door. A wonderful young woman (also a neighbor) who heard me share our plumbing adventure from the stage felt lead to give my her food card which still had $240 for the month. She explained how she had all her groceries for the month and would like me to use up what was left on the card to buy groceries for our family. With the money value of that card together with the money off the door and CD sales we ended up making everything back we had to pay the plumber with in $2.

Our life together is often difficult but it is also an amazing adventure with God in the driver seat who by the way does not feel like a “safe” driver.

The Great Provider, originally uploaded by {studiobeerhorst}-bbmarie.

I have written over and over in this blog about our family’s struggle with money. The struggle is usually about not having enough. We just get through paying all the bills and buying all the food each month with just inches to spare. Now and then there is a surplus in the savings account for a while but then it gets absorbed by the need for a new computer, meteorite damage, or a slow month of sales. We have lived inside of this wrestling match for ever. It has become our excepted way of life. A few weeks before Christmas I began praying/fasting for a break through in this area in a focused way. During this time I was forced out of my carriage house studio by the cold and relocated to the basement. I began reorganizing the basement and de cluttering. After I got the basement in shape I moved on to the kitchen doing the same. As I worked on the house I sensed that God was working on the inside of me at the same time- cleaning out, de cluttering, reorganizing. The fasting has ended. The praying continues and there is not a concrete “break through” I can point to like the sale of an expensive painting (which is usually how we think of our break through will come) but I really believe something is shifting inside of me and in our physical circumstances. If you are reading this and are the sort of person given to prayer please pray for us that we will have “ears tuned to wisdom” in this area of God’s provision and what our part is in that mystical union. If you are not a person of prayer perhaps you could stumble through a little awkward prayer and try something new. Thank you for reading and praying.

Girl with Red Book painting in an environment, originally uploaded by {studiobeerhorst}-bbmarie.

This little painting was in the Wonder Wagon during Art Prize. I have only recently brought it into the house and found a nice place for it by the front door in our foyer. The little shelf underneath is laid out with a few objects of beauty and curiosity that provide some more context to relate back to the painting. The frame has been made out of scrape wood with the top cut to a peak which refers to either a house or an alter. The reading of a book, a young girl lost in the pages of a story, the suspension of time that happens while reading, study and meditation as a narrow passage back into God, these possibilities are forever fascinating to me. The background is a view from the upper window of the carriage house studio and shows our driveway emptying out into busy Fuller Street and our neighbors houses. This little painting is a frozen moment, a moth trapped in amber, a place to pause and reflect and allow life to drop further into places of depth, meaning and beauty.

Self Portrait with Pin Cusion, originally uploaded by {studiobeerhorst}-bbmarie.

I have had this painting now for 5 years. I posted it to my Etsy shop this morning and in the process of writing a description it caused me to reflect on what this piece may say about me.

I have always considered the pin cushion as a reference to the heart and the suffering mine has endured over the years. The first and most dramatic blow to my heart was the death of my mother when I was nine years old. The feminine aspect of articles on the dresser may refer to this early hardship. The thread and needles speak of mending, perhaps my personal desire to be healed. This also could reveal my desire to be one who brings healing to the people in the broken world around me. The hand held mirror in this painting was one I had for a long time and was an element in other paintings as well. It was very old and eventually fell into ruin. The items that become still life elements seem to taken on more life after being in a painting. It is as if the process of being painting makes something or some one holy.

bicycle girl collage print, originally uploaded by {studiobeerhorst}-bbmarie.

I rode my bicycle down to the post office to send out two pieces of art sold through our www.etsy.com/shop/studiobeerhorst packages. We have been hit with a heavy load of snow here in central Michigan and it has remained very cold which means all the secondary roads are carrying a thick load of packed down snow and ice. This makes riding a bicycle a challenge. I needed to find a pair of winter boots because I had none and my only real pair of shoes has a worn out heal and hole that wants to pack in snow as well as a tear on one side of the patent leather. I made my way to Coat of Many Colors on Wealthy Street, doing my best to stay up on my bike. Once at the store I was met by the friendly store dogs and then Matt and Beaver the partner owners. They had been having a slow day and decided to use the extra time to rearrange the store. Sorting through a pile of boots Matt had pulled out for me I was able to pick out up a nice pair of used Carolina boots in my size. When I got home I gave them a treatment of mink oil for water proofing and this morning I gave them a good polish. I love my friends at Coat of Many Colors and I love these boots that keep my feet dry and nice and warm and I am grateful for a bike that can still get me places even in tough Michigan winter conditions.

Urban Village, originally uploaded by {studiobeerhorst}-bbmarie.

The winter time is the time we go inside. Inside our homes and inside of our selves. It becomes the time for reflection. A time to reconsider our life’s trajectory. I love being with other people and this time of year makes that more difficult. Last night daughter Rose and I bundled up with scarves, hats and mittens and trudged down to the Sparrows Coffee Shop through deep snow and cold wind looking forward to hot tea and the exciting frontier of new magazines. At the coffee house I bumped into someone I had met before but did not recognize at first. He said hello and reminded me where we had met before and we had a little conversation. Later in the night shortly before Rose and I headed for home he came over to show me a picture on his cell phone of a piece of art he had in his cubical at work. It was a piece he had purchased from our family this fall during Art Prize. It was so small I had to really concentrate to make it out but it was there. This was a small detail in my day that made me feel connected to my community, like I have a place and a role.

The isolation I experience during winter actual makes my hunger for connection with others more acute. The isolation I experience during winter drives me inside of my inner life, my secret life. My time alone is the all important counter balance to my time spent with people.

Dove through the gate, originally uploaded by {studiobeerhorst}-bbmarie.

I just love having this fence. We made a privacy fence that now gives us the option to let our chickens range free with out them ending up in the neighbor’s yard. The fence was all made out of salvaged materials. The only thing I had to buy was four 60 pound bags of concrete for $14. I improvised a gate latch with wood, scrape metal and a little cow bell left over from the Wonder Wagon adventure. Every time someone goes through the gate there is the sound of a bell. “Rings on her fingers, bells on her toes, she shall have music where ever she goes.” We have what we need. When we really need something it has a way of just showing up at the right time.